If you follow “edutwitter”, you know that one can be popular by putting up a quote over a picture about building relationships. Bonus points if you find a picture of a cute kid, or can attribute the quote to a famous person. You actually don’t have to say anything of value, as long as you share that relationship building is important.
But I deeply, and respectfully, feel as though we are missing so much more when we talk about “relationship building.” Building relationships is a tool in creating what we really desire: Connectivity. The truth, that seems to escape us, is that relationship building is easy, it’s the maintaining and sustaining of relationships that are difficult and essential.
If we look at relationships in terms of consistency, we know that doing a grand gesture for someone once a year isn’t going to make them like you forever. It’s powerful, but that’s not going to sustain the relationship you built. It’s the little, boring things that make relationships. Asking how someone is doing and waiting to actually hear the answer; the secret handshake with a student, referencing an interest a student has in a lesson. Those little things build consistency, those are what sustain relationships.
Alternatively, Inconsistency is what harms relationships.
Too often we see “relationship building” as an event, a matter of intensity. Connectivity and caring are about the consistency you bring to a relationship. A kind note means nothing if you don’t treat people well. As I write these words, many schools are doing COVID parades. Those don’t mean much if you haven’t brought kindness to your students during the physical school year.
It’s amazing to know a student’s family and get to know their background and hobbies. But that is SUCH a small part of a relationship. The question is, can we sustain that relationship when the student doesn’t meet expectations. Can we sustain that relationship when we, as a adults don’t meet expectations our students have of us?
Consistency is needed for maintaining those relationships. If we think of it as the gym – going once doesn’t make you fit. Going consistently does. You can mess up and miss a workout, but if you get back to your plan, you will likely be ok in the long run.
So, while I very much appreciate the sentiment behind relationship building, I believe we should focus on what’s really important: connectivity to school. That’s the “Bulls Eye.” Relationship sustaining is the next ring worth the second-most points. Of course, building relationships is a start.
Works referenced/of Interest:
Video: Why consistency matters in Leadership – Simon Sinek
Henrey Ford Quote: “Coming together is the beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is a success.”
Sean D'Abreu 